Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

Three Keys to building your Emotional Intelligence

There is an art to being emotionally intelligent.

How so you might say?

Whilst there have been stacks of books and plenty of research on the subject, when it comes to improving your Emotional Intelligence you have to get in touch with your inner ARTist as I outlined in a recent presentation.

Firstly you have to Assess your emotions. Positive or negative, feel the emotions and name them and then let them go.

The second key is to Recognise that all emotions are feedback in some way.

  • Can you recognise patterns as you experience a particular emotion?
  • Is there a trigger that creates your response?

When you start to recognise these patterns, then you will have created a neural pathway that causes you to respond that way. Once you become aware of your own patterns of action or reaction, then you will also start to notice how other people react to triggers.

The third key is Transformation. This will begin to happen as you acknowledge your emotions as useful tools for feedback. Part of this transformative process is reflecting whether you are doing one of several things.

  • Are you denying the emotion or your feelings?
  • Are you over reacting or are you repressing the emotion?

Take a step back….. pause and do some deep breathing and allow yourself some space. If you feel you need some help in building your Emotional Intelligence muscle, then call or use the contact form to schedule some coaching sessions.

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Overcoming Issues

We all have issues… some big, some small and it is our response that determines the outcome.

Do you have a default behaviour that you return to when an issue pops its head up and confronts you?

Do you face it head on and resolve to create a positive outcome?

Do you react in ways that make you or others around you uncomfortable?

What is the risk to you if you continue to respond this way?

A client recently wanted to discuss how to handle an issue with a person that he has known for some 30 plus years. Never really close, he became aware that this person was “giving off negative vibes” but didn’t know why.

The issue came to a head recently when he was walking into a garden centre and walking straight towards him was this person. He smiled and went to say “hello”, whereupon the other person turned their head and walked off in a different direction. The client described how he felt his insides turn and he felt like a small child at school again. He described how one part of him wanted to pursue the person and confront him, yet another part of him just wanted to cry as he felt abandoned.

I handed him a poem that I have found useful to refer to over the years :

Reason, Season, Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 Brian Andrew  Chalker

After several sessions, he came to the conclusion that any previous friendship was fractured beyond repair and decided that he would let it go. He had extended the hand of friendship and reconciliation several times over the last few years, but was being rebuffed each time …. Each time he experienced an internal response of a profound sense of rejection. He was no longer comfortable with feeling this way and wanted to change how he reacted yet  was saddened that they had not been able to communicate with each other to resolve any problems in earlier times. In the hypnotic state, the client then expressed gratitude to his friend for having been in his life for a season and asked for forgiveness for any hurts that he may have unintentionally caused.

After that session he said that he had realized it was almost like picking at a scab …..the wound opens up again, the skin weeps a bit and a new scab is formed, but if you do this too often the skin hardens up and a scar is made.

 

Letters I’ve written

Or should that be posts that I’ve written…. never meaning to send………
.. with apologies to the Moody Blues. This song came out way back, I had just moved to Melbourne for the first time (& yes, for a boy…maybe one day I will write about that).
Whenever I can catch some spare time from the clinic – usually when a client has rescheduled – I make an effort to sit down and write a few blog posts that I can post at a later date.

It’s interesting as I peruse the entries that I thought were pertinent….. so many of them no longer hold any meaning and don’t get posted. This document is like a journal, partly relating to my business persona and partly relating to events in my personal life. So often it is the writing down that leads to the catharsis and I believe it is important to leave some time and space before posting.
Just recently I’ve gone to post the next entry and hesitated…. I haven’t deleted the entry, because it was relevant at that time, but time and space has given me the wisdom to take into account whether it was a whinge or helpful to someone else.

“Beauty I’d always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can’t say anymore.”

The beauty of doing this is that it is a reflection of my emotions at the time. Re-reading at a later date allows me to calibrate and look within to see if I have reacted to the situation or have applied the emotional intelligence techniques I seek to help others with.
Am I wise? Am I telling the truth?
We each have our own truth and expressing it to others may not be palatable to the recipient.

I have someone in my life who has written many letters, most probably on the advice of their therapist, and sent them….resulting in hurt and fracturing relationships. My advice is if you are to write these letters, do so and then burn them…..symbolically releasing the energy contained within to the Universe and thus letting go and letting a higher power (insert whichever deity you believe in here) take care of it for you. There have been several occasions recently when I have held my breath, waiting for a letter from this person after things didn’t go as they had planned. To tell the truth, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get one as I was looking forward to composing a reply and thus stepping out of Emotional Intelligence.

There are other times where I may write about a something that was profound and on looking back at that moment realizing that I captured a moment of beauty….of realization ….that has led to an insight that I missed at the moment of writing. Like a sunrise or sunset, nothing stays the same…. Change is inevitable and these transitions can create amazing shifts in our consciousness. It’s all about letting go…..

Issues

We all, at some time or another, have issues.

It is our choice as to how we act or react.

If we have come from a fear or control based childhood our responses are likely to be different from someone who has come from an emotionally intelligent background.

By overcomplicating things, we can often exacerbate an issue…..  who hasn’t heard of the saying “making mountains out of molehills” ?

By learning some simple emotional intelligence strategies, we can escape the return to “default” and exercise choice in our responses. These strategies will give you the courage to identify fears or issues and by facing them, you will resolve them. For example if you have an issue with conflict, then a useful strategy is to become aware of different perspectives. Ask yourself “What alternatives and opinions can be considered instead of sticking rigidly to this perspective?”